Picture this, it's 1989 and you're a young affluent man with big dreams. You take your big haired, shoulder padded, hoop earring wearing date to see the new Lethal Weapon movie hoping she'll get all hot and bothered watching Mel Gibson's windblown hair and acid washed jeans so you can take her home and seal they deal by showing off your new laser disc collection. You're really excited about this plan thinking it has a chance as Mel Gibson has yet to show that he's a racist nut job rather than an 80's heart throb and laser discs are amazingly cool in 1989. As the movie starts you're worried that sequels never live up to the original but man alive are you wrong! It's amazing, with more crazy antics, great 1 liners the best of which is given to Danny Glover for a change, Riggs dislocates his shoulder to escape death, Joe Pesci is hilarious with a monologue about the unfair nature of drive through windows, Riggs gets lucky with a lady who's just barely acceptably hot for 1989 and best of all the bad guys are all cool politicians who are above the law! This is the best movie ever! Dreams of political aspirations are born right then and there in that dark, dirty movie theater. You could be that d-bag who has no accountability, lots of cash and can egregiously abuse his office for personal gain! Genius has struck! Right then and there you decide that as soon as you try "monster in the popcorn" on your vapid date you'll go home and pick whichever political party your parents have more rich friends in.
Fast forward to present day. You're a powerful governor/IMF director/senator feeling pretty damn good about yourself. You've found yourself with an impressive amount of influence and wealth that you've built through manipulating contacts, buying influence, lying whenever possible and other inscrutable things you'd rather not think about. You're finally above the law and you can fully listen to what you're penis is telling you to do. No more being cautious about whipping it out wherever and whenever it wants to get some. Do you have to worry about photographs, videos, witnesses, victims, spouses, etc? No way! Just like your fictional South African politician heroes you're way too big a deal for any of that to get in the way of Mr. (insert pet nickname for your penis here) getting some strange on the regular! Should you pay attention to history? Maybe read up on similar men in similar situations? Clinton, JFK, Clarence Thomas, etc? No way! You're way smarter than those chumps! You'd never hook up with a thick assed honey in the oval office! (Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 but I bet you only thought of Monica, shame on you! Personally I think Marilyn Monroe was stupidly hot and Monica had her moments but that was probably because she's freaky. I mean, who lets someone put a cigar all up in her biznatch?). But I digress. So anyways, that's nothing for you to worry about as you are WAY better than those suckers could ever dream of being. You are after all;
Governor Arnold who liked to bang his housekeeper bareback and had an illegitimate kid born within days of your legitimate kid. No way you'll get caught thanks to your non distinctive looks and immunity to paternity tests.
IMF director Strauss-Kahn who liked jump out of a bathroom naked like some demented jack in the box in a $3,000 a night suite and force the maid to give you a hummer. Completely ridiculous that she'd go to the cops with her jizz stained dress, she'd be begging for more of your hairy, saggy balls coming at her like the most disgusting Muppet ever.
Congressman Weiner who liked to sext shirtless pics and got off on double entendres. Who wouldn't find your cat picture adorable with that pussy willow reference just so cleaver? Next time you'll want to double check the spelling of the porn stars twitter account before you chat her up with your A game.
Other congressman Lee who also liked to take shirtless pics and text them to sexy ladies he met on craigslist.org. What's more legit than one of the most powerful non mobster in NY hitting on someone with a craigslist posting? This plan is bound to get you laid, it's fool proof!
Other congressman Craig who liked to tap his foot under airport bathroom stalls in hopes of orally satisfying a unidentified man to kill time on a layover. Why go through all the bother of finding a discrete gay bar with your off time when the public bathroom is a great place to pick up some man meat? Plus no one would ever know it's you, they'll only be able to see your shoes. Another totally legit plan.
Other congressman Edwards who liked to have a long term affair with a sea hag while his wife was being treated for cancer. Why stick by a loving wife when she's in all that pain, fighting for her life? Too much trouble when you have a campaign to run and will need some stress relief after a long day of internal debate about who has better hair between you and Trump.
Football player* (Favre) who loved his johnson so much that he too a picture with his camera phone in hopes of bedding a NY Jets staffer while his wife was being treated for cancer. Why retire with class as one of the best quarterbacks of all time while your sister is having all the fun getting busted in meth labs?
I it was me, I'd use Lethal Weapon 2 as part of my defense but I'd probably lose as the jury, consisting of a cross section of normal life, would instantly see through your bullshit.
*I know, I know, but the pattern fits if you just swap out Lethal Weapon 2 for Rudy then pretend Rudy was a complete piece of shit and did all the things the other people did while hiding behind his mad football skills. (Rudy is my all time favorite sports movie but the only other one from the time period I could think of is Brian's Song and I'd have to be a bigger dink than the list above to joke about that movie. Seriously though, Rudy is awesome)
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